… for better, for worse.

…for richer, for poorer.

…in sickness and in health.

Reading between the lines, we are meant to accept that our chosen life partner may falter toward being less desirable, nonetheless vowing to stand by them.

Yet, for someone who is committed to a life journey of health and wellness and does their best to look after themselves, living with a person who is just not interested can be frustrating to witness, and can have long term consequences.

To be fair

Given the extensive body of research proving that lack of exercise is a directly linked to morbidity and the onset of chronic disease – not taking responsibility for one’s health can be punishing in a relationship – and may literally lead to a broken heart.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that “not getting enough physical activity can lead to heart disease, even for people who have no other risk factors. It can also increase the likelihood of developing other heart disease risk factors, including obesity, high blood pressure, high blood cholesterol, and type 2 diabetes.”

It’s fair to say that if you’re intention is ’til death do us part, not exercising will get you there faster. Indeed, being angry with a partner that’s lazy is warranted. But that won’t help solve the problem…

Working it out

Daniel Butler, a Johannesburg based personal trainer and co-founder (with his wife) of a franchise business that’s built around family fitness, asserts that a situation where one person in a marriage (or relationship) is health conscious, whilst the other may not be, is quite common and can be problematic if there’s no compromise.

From his experience in training couples who come for sessions together, he says that it’s often the case where one person drags his or her partner along, who clearly does not have any desire to exercise, but “it’s the fact that they are making the effort to be there that counts.”

He adds that if your partner is lazy and you are more motivated, “the effort will need to come from you to let your partner know that you want them to receive the same benefits that you do from exercising.”  

This being said, he cautions that how you communicate with your partner to encourage them to want to be more active can “make or break” the deal – and that “you need to emphasise that it comes from a place of caring.”

Positive reinforcement in action

In an article for Positive Psychology written by Courtney Ackerman, who has a master’s degree in psychology, she describes the conditioning models for motivating behaviour change, originally defined by the famed behaviourist B.F Skinner.

Of these, the one that we often use, especially when we’re feeling frustrated, is “negative reinforcement,” which is actually considered to be a form of punishment. In the case of wanting to get your partner to exercise more, says Butler, “if you call them a fat slob or insinuate that they are disgusting by giving them dirty looks, this approach will only make you both feel angry.”

On the other hand, using “positive reinforcement,” defined by Ackerman as “the introduction of a desirable or pleasant stimulus after a behaviour,” so that a person feels good about themselves, is more likely to result in that person wanting to repeat the behaviour.

Furthermore, Ackerman asserts that “positive reinforcement is most effective when the person you are training is eager to please, and it can improve your bond at the same time.” This means acknowledging your partner when they do make an effort and rewarding them.

In order to find a compromise, Butler suggest turning your attention away from your partner’s behaviour – and making it about your relationship instead. For example, you could say to your partner that you’d like to spend more time with them, doing activities that you both enjoy, even if it’s just going for a walk together so you can catch up without digital distractions.  

For better (not worse), “try to be as supportive as you can, even it means lowering your expectations,” he says. And remember, that letting go of anger can only improve your own health.

References.

Ackerman. C. (2020) Positive Reinforcement in Psychology (Definition + 5 examples) Available at Positive Psychology [online] https://positivepsychology.com/positive-reinforcement-psychology/

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Available [online]  https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/resources/publications/factsheets/physical-activity.htm#:~:text=Not%20getting%20enough%20physical%20activity%20can%20lead%20to%20heart%20disease,cholesterol%2C%20and%20type%202%20diabetes.